I worked on my WiP for several hours today, it is very hot here in Cyprus and I am finding I have to leave my desk a little more to get fresh air and have a swim. I am not sure if this is what created my problem today, but when I looked at my writing the word SHE jumped out at me, I wondered if the continuous returning had broken a pattern of thought.
Here is a snippet of my work.
Kitty hurried along the road, the clouds above looked grey and threatening, she blessed the umbrella on her arm, she didn't fancy getting a soaking this morning.She had selected her outfit carefully, she wanted to look and feel like a business woman, she had seen a few of these independent ladies in a magazine. The brown, flecked woollen skirt and jacket, with a white frilled necked blouse were her choice, she added to that a little bonnet with cream flowers and a cameo brooch at the throat. She wanted to look confident, but she also wanted to look as if she had only just enough money to meet the rent of the shop she was going to view, the landlord did not know she knew the price and she did not want to look as if she could afford more.
I need your help, do you think I am right? Do you think I have too many SHE'S? If so, what would you do differently please?Either leave your most gratefully received advice in the comments,or email me using the link at the top of the blog. Thanks in advance.
8 Comments:
Well, I don't think there is anything wrong with this. It describe her very well and 'she' is the person herseflf that you are focussing on.
I sometimes lookat my writing and things like this jump out at me too. Maybe it's a case of being too critical of your own work.
Your style is your style! You can't write like anyone else, just do it your way and let a little bit of you come through and stay in your writing.
Thanks Lizzie, I just keep hearing the word she when I read it.
I like it the way it is....
I just want to know what SHE does next and if ,She gets the place?
The she's are no problem at all in the piece you posted; you do have a few double verbs you could clean up for stronger writing. :)
As a general rule, I use a character name per paragraph... you have it covered!
Nice, BTW!
Thank you all. I was tempted to put Kitty in place of the odd she, but will leave as is at the moment.
Marisol, I will do my homework, if not I will be after your assistance :) thanks.
I got so involved in the story. You've got a lovely style. Repeats are a problem for me too. I try not to use she/he more than once in a paragraph. How do you avoid it?
I'm assuming since you asked for help, you wanted some advice. I'm going to give you the benefit of my extensive expertise, lol.
Take an example from you story,
she blessed the umbrella on her arm, she didn't fancy getting a soaking this morning.She had selected her outfit carefully
Lets say you rewrite this a bit.
She had selected her outfit carefully this morning and din't fancy getting wet. Thank God she'd thought to bring the umbrella.
You've got a good story going here. I enjoyed reading and I hope that helps. I just love the word "fancy."
Elizabeth, thank you for dropping by and for your compliment.
I like the way you wrote out a new idea for me, thanks. I am going to go with, goodness instead of God but the rest will stay. :)
Fancy is the Brit part of me speaking, which is why goodness works with it, as it is in the mind of an English girl in the book.
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