I read your comments, get your vibes and feedback. This blog is my writing group, I do not have one here, so I use my blogging friends. Wow, what a confession...I am using you guys. You are so supportive, and constructive critique comments are always welcome.
So what did Karen say?
The story sounds interesting! One thing to watch however is how your choice of language helps create tone. Using words like "silly" "danced" "flicker" "ambiance" give a lighter tone than I think this opening calls for.
Kitty shivered from the chill of the night air, and as she did so, she lost her footing. She reached out to steady herself against the wall and giggled.
If anyone had seen me then they would have thought I had helped myself to the ale at Ma Parker's.
Rumours of a murdered woman had been confirmed by the local constabulary as fact. It was too close to home be ignored, and Kitty knew she had been silly to take the shortcut. She hurried along the alleyway, the clip of her heels echoed as she walked. Dark shadows danced around her. She would have preferred a live companion to escort her, not those who made her nervous. Every movement that flitted across the brickwork, made her glance over her shoulder, nervous adrenalin kept her moving forward.
The flicker of the gas lamps, added nothing to the ambiance of the route she had chosen. If told she was foolish and irresponsible, at that moment, she would have to agree. She was late home and Arthur would be annoyed, the alley was the quickest way across town. He hated it when she was late for reading lessons. He would sulk in only the way Arthur knew how. It irritated Kitty to think she would have to sit and watch him scowl, tonight of all nights. She was not in the mood to passify him.
Do you know? She is right. I read it out loud, and it needed tweeking big time.
This is how it stands at the moment. I am sure it is not the last time it will be edited, but I can only hope.
Kitty shivered from the chill of the night air, and as she did so, she lost her footing. She reached out to steady herself against the wall and giggled.
If anyone had seen me then they would have thought I had helped myself to the ale at Ma Parker's.
It was a nervous giggle, the further down the passage way she moved, the more nervous she became. Rumours of a murdered woman had been confirmed by the local constabulary as fact. It was too close to home be ignored, and Kitty knew she had made the wrong decision to take the shortcut. She hurried along the alleyway, the clip of her heels echoed as she walked. Dark shadows moved around her, they were everywhere. She would have preferred a live companion to escort her, not those who added to her fear. Every movement that flitted across the brickwork, made her glance over her shoulder. Nervous adrenalin kept her moving forward, it was too late to turn back.
The poor haze of light from of the gas lamps, added nothing to the environment. The mustard yellow, against the algae green walls, added a dark and unfriendly shade to the route she had chosen. If told she was foolish and irresponsible, at that moment, she would have to agree. She was late home and Arthur would be annoyed, the alley was the quickest way across town. He hated it when she was late for reading lessons. He would sulk in only the way Arthur knew how. It irritated Kitty to think she would have to sit and watch him scowl, tonight of all nights. She was not in the mood to passify him.
What say you? Did I make the right changes? Has it improved the image I am trying to portray as an opening?
Personally, I do think this is it...or is it?
12 Comments:
Hope you don't mind... I've read this every time you've posted and have refrained from commenting. But since you said you learn from your reader's comments, I thought I would share the changes I would suggest if I was editing for one of my clients.
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It was a nervous giggle, the further down the passage way she moved, the more [delete: nervous] [insert: pensive] (you used nervous in the sentence once already) she became. [passive phrase: Rumours of a murdered woman had been confirmed by the local constabulary as fact.] [Try instead: The constabulary had confirmed the rumours of a murdered woman in the neighbourhood.] [Even better: Unconfirmed rumours were circulating about a murdered local woman possibly from this neighbourhood.] (I suggest making the rumors unconfirmed, because it gives her choice of taking the shortcut more credibility…besides, she talks to her friend later who will confirm it and that builds the anticipation for the reader and makes the future scene stronger.) It was too close to home [insert: to] be ignored, and [delete: Kitty knew] [insert: the knot forming in her stomach confirmed] she had made the wrong decision to take the shortcut. (Don't just tell your readers she's nervous, show them how being nervous is affecting her, ie, knot in the stomach, clammy hands, etc.) [change the construction: The clip of her heals echoed as she hurried along the alleyway.] [delete: as she walked.] (“as she walked” is telling, hearing the clip as she hurried is showing.) Dark shadows moved around her, they were everywhere. She would have preferred a [delete: live] [insert: real] (when I read the word “live”, I immediately thought as opposed to “dead?”. I think better to say real as opposed to imaginary.) companion to escort her, not those who added to her fear. Every (movements don’t flit, shadows do) [delete: movement] [insert: shadow] that flitted across the brickwork [delete: ,] (don’t separate the subject from the verb with a comma) made her glance over her shoulder. Nervous adrenalin kept her moving forward, it was too late to turn back.
Hope this helps. I really like what you've done so far. Now don't get stuck just editing like I do!!!
Loribeth
I like this opening better but I think you will have to decide if it is the opening you want or not :) I guess you really need to put yourself in Kitty's shoes and try to feel her fear and hesitance. There. That's my two cents' worth :)
Loribeth, thank you for your guidance. I am most grateful for your input. The edits you have carried out for me, have helped tremendously.
It is time for me to knuckle down and concentrate more. Thank you, again for taking the time for me.
Loree, I know I have decisions to make. Now my opening has improved, I am going to make some major changes. It is time to be firm with myself.
Thanks for visiting today.
I was going to respond earlier and didn't. I had the same concerns Karen G voiced. This is an improvement. But the "giggle" still bothers me. I would keep the language in the suspense mode. She could simply lose her footing because she's nervous, as we see immediately with the murder.
Loree's edits are excellent, but as she said, you have to decide how to begin. I would say go on with the writing and stop worrying about the beginning. Beginnings are SO difficult and usually change later. I'd love to keep responding.
You're welcome. I would get rid of giggle too... It took me a long time to stop telling my readings what my characters were feeling and start showing them. I can't tell you how many times my CP corrected me on that. Although, I do think there is a time for telling, because all showing wouldn't give any variety to your voice.
Another hint I was given was to count how many times I use a particular word to describe something. Your word is 'nervous'.
I wouldn't make any more changes to your opening. Move on and keep writing. I can't wait to read more!
Ann and Loribeth, my ms is being prepared for submission. If I stop editing, it goes in a drawer and never gets seen. I have a long road ahead, but your valuable advice, has helped me rethink things through.
I will address the giggle, and work through the rest now.
Thank you so much.
I meant don't stop writing. I didn't mean put it in a drawer!!!! Keep writing because I want to read more!!!!!!
Thanks Loribeth, I will keep it on the desk then! LOL
I love the polishing part and often lose myself in the process. Enjoy the editing, Glynis. It's worth the time. My problem is just deciding when to surrender to publication. ;) xx
Thanks for the encouragement Carol! Apparently you will know when the time is right for submitting. I read it somewhere, not sure if I believe it though...lol.
Take care
simply its great post
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