Yesterday I sank. Today I Bubbled to the Surface. Tomorrow I will Sail Again.

Yesterday it all got too much. Juggling browsing over 1,000 blogs and updating my own. Writing in writing places I have been for a few years. Just recently I have been frantically chasing my tail at the expense of my real love-novel writing. I nearly gave up-nearly.

Each day I have sunk into a mood of wondering if it is all worth the tears. I want my book out there so much but battle against several things. Rejections do not bother me, they are part of the process of seeking an agent or a publisher. I have become obsessed with watching the in-box every half hour and allowing myself to feel disappointed when I only see blog updates etc.. I battle against having courage to self-publish. It is nothing to do with the fact of being self-published it is merely because I have not allowed my dream to end with that route. I fumble with manuscript formatting and other things technical. I knew yesterday if I did not get a grip  I would leave two manuscripts sitting on word and follow a different path of writng. The disappointed, lazy way out I suppose but the slump had arrived. 

No amount of clearing out papers, reading through positive comments or reading my work could passify me. It dawned on me late in the evening that I had come to a fork in the road. I had to sort myself out, consider myself as a writer full-time or not at all. The nagging voices of my childhood were there and the feeling of inadequecy snuck in. I have had so many lovely things happen within my poetry and writing world but still I could not see another ending for my dream. I sat down and went to a site I have been with for over three years. I logged on and felt no spark, no wanting to be there-nothing. Then it dawned upon me. This is not the sort of writing I want to follow, so I shut down the account. I did so to two others. The sense of freedom felt good. I then deleted several blogs I run in various places, again it felt good to remove pressure. I  deleted blogs I no longer wish to follow but felt obliged to do so. Logs (or blogs) fell off my shoulders.

Today I am re-training myself to not look at the in- box every half hour. That sick disappointed feeling was some of the reason for my downward spiral. I still can't see me self publishing yet. I am not at that stage. For me there is still a spark of hope but I am going to give myself a set deadline to reach and then self-publish. It is not always about money, being noticed etc.,sometimes it is about completing what you set out to do. Adjusting to that not happening will come but it isn't quite there yet.

Now I am clutter free I can focus and not feel as overwhelmed as I did yesterday. Just one more sacrifice to make because I cannot give it what I set out to do and my desk is clear. Now to submit and format guilt free. Blog visits and other things can wait until later. Writing novels is who I am now. I am not a dabbler within the writing community.

Time management, novel planning and enjoying the whole process is my priority now. I know many of you have been down this road and can empathise with my feeling of drowning. You are the people who inspire me and keep throwing me the lifebelt. I thank you all. If you do not see comments in your blogs from me do not feell neglected, I still visit you and enjoy your work.

Thank you all for your encouraging comments and emails yesterday, they did help.♥